Well, here it is. The most terrifying post that I’ve ever written and been dreading (and therefore obviously putting off). It took some major guts-mustering to be able to write about my weight loss journey so far, and it’s going to take additional courage when I know people are actually reading my post and looking at my photos. It has always been a sensitive subject for me, for most of my life actually. But I think I’m finally ready to talk about it all. So, hold on to your seats, grab some popcorn (or some nachos, I don’t judge), and stay tuned for some baggage. I promise there’s a happy ending, though.
It’s officially 2021. Okay, so it’s already been 2021 for a while. But as you’ll eventually learn, I can be slow when it comes to learning certain things. I decided that my word for the year was going to be “Courage”. I even told my yoga teacher that, so, you know, I have to, like, keep myself extra accountable. After spending the majority of 2020 on lockdown (locked down in more ways than one) and deciding that the time to stop hiding was “now”, I have slowly been inching towards sharing my progress with my friends and family and anyone else who should find this blog in the social media/Internet universe in the hopes that it may help or inspire others, especially if they have similar goals. As I’ve mainly been using principles from yoga and Ayurveda, it is my hope that I can share my experiences with these two sciences so that others might benefit from them as well. Being able to write about them and to interact with my peers also helps me to continue to learn and to polish existing knowledge. The wise words of yogi and teacher Indu Arora come to mind: “I am a student for a lifetime”.
As of today, I am happy to say that I have lost a little over 80 lbs.! That’s like an entire 11-year-old, people! It feels surreal to be able to say that. I still have a ways to go (about 50 more lbs.) but I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I’d be lying if I said that any of this was easy. Or that all or most of this journey has been fun. And I’d definitely be lying if I said that I was hopeful or positive along the way. HOWEVER. I would be speaking the utmost truth if I were to say that all of it is worth it and that I have accomplished more that I ever thought I could.
If anything, this has mainly been a journey of self-discovery. I have gotten to know myself on a more intimate level than I could have ever fathomed. I’ve learned my limits and that I can push past them if the focus is there and discovered an inner and outer strength that I did not know I could tap into. As I’ve progressed, I am humbled to know that this is only the beginning of a path to balance, to health, and to Self-Realization. Though as inspiring as all this may sound, it admittedly does not come without its struggles. Daily struggles, even. Ones that I still have a hard time understanding and ones that I am actively battling. There are days when I feel hopeless and when I don’t even want to try anymore, but I go back to how I used to feel before I started any of this and it becomes clear that nothing else is as hard as that reality was to live through. I feel that I have gained tools that prepare me for the bumps in the road, and as hard as all of it is, it doesn’t feel impossible anymore.
So, how and when did my journey begin?
I was not always obese. In fact, I was not even always chubby, but since I can remember, I always loved food. I remember sneaking food from the fridge as young as 3 (specifically handfuls of peanut butter – charming, I know). I actually remember the first time I ever experienced the sensation of being full. I must have been 5 and I had a hard time breathing after devouring a large plate of orange slices. I didn’t really understand the feeling of having overeaten yet and I experienced some panic at the discomfort I felt. I think there was an unconscious realization that happened at that point, that when you’re full, the sensation contains YOU for a time. It’s almost as if everything else around you disappears and that fulness becomes your main reality. All your fears, anxieties, disappointments, and sadness dissolves as you ride the wave of pleasure away from them.
Through a divorce in my early childhood and being a generally shy, sensitive kid, I experienced feelings of uncertainty and confusion, I often would turn to food to recreate the feeling of fullness. The “completeness” that would hold me for a while. It would eventually dissipate though and it left as quickly as it came. I would turn to food every time I felt sad, lonely, or stressed and it lay the foundation for my eating habits. I had always been athletic and I was lucky to participate in school sports like badminton and water polo, so the weight never held on when I was a kid and adolescent. I was at a steady average weight of about 150 lbs. in high school, and with a height of 5’7” I felt and looked healthy and fit. It would not be until after I graduated that my habits would worsen and be my demise.
Right after high school. I, like many new grads, was not sure what I wanted to do with my life. I was angsty and a bit lost, and was definitely looking for instant gratification in the form of partying and dating (and food). My academic future felt uncertain – I didn’t know what I wanted to study and I transferred two schools before I found some consistency. Before I knew it, the lack of control in my life started spreading to other areas including my diet. My weight ballooned to 210 lbs. I was partying and drinking heavily on the weekends and, though I was getting really good grades at that point, I felt like I could not get a handle on my life. I would binge eat all the time and had an impossible time restricting my portions. I would try various crash diets and major caloric restriction, but it would always led me to overeat later. The panic in me rose almost daily as I would obsessively weigh myself, try to stop the avalanche of weight gain, all while feeling completely powerless to do so.
By early 2010 and a few years after high school graduation, I encountered the opportunity to move to Los Angeles and transfer to a four-year university. I was accepted to the school of my choice and made the 2,000-mile move from Chicago to L.A. in the hopes of starting fresh and learning how to be on my own. By this time, my weight jumped up to 240 lbs. I was not happy with how I looked and felt but I was in a new city and in a new relationship and that part of my life didn’t phase me so much. Living in my own apartment was not a great environment for my binging tendencies. Without the presence or influence of my family, I pretty much went crazy and spent the next 6 years building even worse habits on top of my already shaky foundations. I would buy the worst possible processed foods during grocery runs, ones that my mom never would dare to buy herself or let me eat growing up (things like Hamburger Helper, Chef Boyardee, and ramen noodles among other things) and that habit evolved to eating take-out and going to drive-thrus for 95% of my meals. I spent the next few years going back and forth between dieting and reverting back to old ways. I tried different programs like Nutrisystem and Herbalife, and food tracking centered programs like WW, but I could never make any of them stick. All of this caused me to gain even more weight and I reached my highest-ever weight of 275 lbs.
By 2016 and at my heaviest, I was finished with school and tried different types of careers in various industries including travel, education, and even finance, but nothing really felt right. I was not happy in my professional life or my personal life. I did not feel good physically. I was lethargic, I got sick every few months, and suffered from regular headaches. I experienced regular indigestion and heartburn (in fact I’d go through an entire Tums bottle once per month!). My skin suffered immensely, I had really bad cystic acne and regular skin infections that would erupt. I experienced massive mood swings and my periods were so irregular I could never know when the next one was coming. I did not participate in any physical activities; I neglected my overall self-care and I did not care to change ANY of that yet. I just kept telling myself I wasn’t ready and honestly, a part of me felt like I did not deserve it. I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship where a level of toxicity caused both people in the relationship to become the unhealthiest, most negative versions of themselves. I was so depressed and felt so lost. And worse of all, I hated myself. I hated how I felt, how I looked and would avoid mirrors and even wearing bright colors at all costs. I did not want to do anything or be anywhere that would bring attention towards myself. Everything felt hopeless.
One day, I woke up and decided that enough was enough. I didn’t want to feel sick anymore and I did not want to be helpless.
I made a resolve to get healthy and to lose 130 lbs. Little did I know that my journey would take much longer and would be much harder than anticipated. (To be continued…)
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